Writer Kathleen Norris once said with respect to change: “Disconnecting from change doesn’t recapture the past, it loses the future.”  As ancient Eastern philosophies also remind us: the only constant in life is change.

One of the most difficult aspects of change though is loss.  It takes a great deal, and a much longer time, to adjust to change than was thought in the past.  Also, the more significant the person or object lost, the greater the difficulty and longer it takes.

Change and loss require a sense of recognition of the impact, an ability to express one’s emotions about the loss, a need to alter one’s life accordingly, and finally an ability to put who or what was lost in a new place in one’s life.

I remember a woman once coming to me regarding what she thought was a prolonged grieving process.  She told me that friends and neighbors told her she shouldn’t keep so many photos of her husband around the house but she had a hard time taking them down even though they kept telling her she must let go.

I asked her how long ago he had died.  She replied that it has been about a year.  In response, I smiled and said, “Oh, is that all?  Was the relationship a good one?”  I then asked.  “Yes, it was wonderful.”

I then said, “That’s great.  So many couples don’t have the relationship you have had.  And, by the way, the answer is not in letting go of him.  You probably won’t ever let go of him since he played such a significant and positive place in your life.  Instead, when you feel ready, he will take a different place in your life.”  At that point, I pointed to my chest and said, “He will always be with you in your heart but in a different way.”

When she came back the next week to see me, she had an impish smile on her face.  I asked her about the expression and she said, “I took all the photos down except the one by my bedside.”  In return, I asked, “Well, what led to that decision?”

“I realized that I didn’t ever need to let go of him.  And so, I didn’t need his photo all over the house because he was always with me in here.” Pointing to her heart.

Pandemics often cause irreparable changes and very sadly, some significant losses.  Over time, they will require for us to accommodate these realities.  In doing this we don’t deny what was lost isn’t profound.  We don’t quickly move on.  Yet, on the other hand, we realize that to resist recognizing that a change has occurred is futile.  It is like ruminating over something that has happened while waiting for the past to change.  It is not going to happen.

Instead, hopefully, we will have the satisfaction of bringing good memories of the past into our hearts and appreciate what joy they brought us as we nod to ourselves in gratitude for the privilege of having such experiences.  Then, when we can, we change our lives accordingly to make space as best we can for new experiences.  There is no rush.  There is no magical timeline.  There is just the call to be in “the new now” in a way that honors the past and appreciates the present so we can be as open as possible to what the future might unfold.

This takes a recognition that life can never be called “fair”.  If we constantly look for why something happened, we will never appreciate who and what are around us now that is good.  Instead, the call is to look for “love” in the world as it shows itself in different, possibly radically new, ways.  In doing this, we will be in the best position to see what is good and feel both comforted and encouraged to move on.

Television’s Mr. Rogers’ once said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”  To this I would add, also look at the good within yourself and realize that you are part of this wonderful compassionate force in the world.  This will remind you that you are not alone but part of an enduring great spirit that will always live on no matter what happens or how dark the skies may seem now.

Dr. Robert J. Wicks is the author of PERSPECTIVE: The Calm within the Storm and BOUNCE: Living a Resilient Life (both from Oxford University Press).

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