Dr. Robert J. Wicks offers words of comfort during troubled times
Dr. Robert Wicks has helped people take measure of their lives for more than 30 years. Together, he and his clients have taken the perspective that “difficult times can offer graced moments in a more striking way than the good times can.” As a faculty member at Loyola University Maryland, as well as a speaker and teacher at other universities and professional schools of psychology, medicine, nursing, theology, and social work throughout the world, he has guided students and professionals in discovering how to value their strengths, develop a practice of mindfulness, and take charge of their self-care. He received his doctorate in Psychology from Hahnemann Medical College and Hospital.
Dr. Wicks’ major area of expertise is the prevention of secondary stress which encompasses the pressures encountered in reaching out to others. He integrates sound psychology and basic spiritual truths to set the stage for profound personal transformation. He has cultivated this experience through research and clinical practice with psychotherapists, physicians, nurses, educators, relief workers, lawyers, corporate executives and persons in full-time ministry.
DURING A PANDEMIC, DON’T MISS THE OPENING
A number of years ago a well-known writer and wisdom figure asked to see me. When she came in, she shared that she was having panic attacks so I set up weekly mentoring sessions for her. When she came in for her third visit, I suggested that instead of having the meeting in the office, we walk around the lake outside. My sense was that the beauty and activity while we were walking and talking together would put her more at ease so she would feel freer to let go and go deeper into what was behind her fears.
Half-way through the walk, she suddenly stopped on the path, turned to me abruptly, and asked in a hoarse voice, “Will these panic attacks ever go away?” In return, I looked straight into her eyes, smiled and calmly replied, “Oh, without a doubt. That is not the problem.” From the expression on her face, I could tell she was taken off-guard. Finally, she found the words to ask, “Well what exactly is the problem then?” In response, I said, “The true challenge is that, before the panic disappears, whether you can take advantage of the time you are feeling so vulnerable by seeing yourself and life more deeply and in new ways before things return to normal.”
The same can be said about living through a pandemic. People are wearing masks in grocery stores and distancing from each other, some are alone at home for long stretches of time, there is a fear of sickness and death, families are either separated or thrown together in ways they haven’t been for years. The upset is palpable and the end is still a ways off.
Experts share that a number of things must take place before a degree of normalcy returns. These include a plateauing and eventual reduction in reported cases for at least 2-3 weeks. There must be a renewed facility by the local government to test suspected and monitor positive cases. In addition, healthcare settings must finally possess the ability to treat all who need hospitalization and provide a level of care that is in keeping with the usual high standards we expect today.
However, eventually this will happen and we will return to life in many, but not all, ways to which we have become accustomed. This will provide reassurance and that is good. Remaining in a crisis mode for too long can be debilitating. Yet, the danger in returning to a “new normal” is that we will forget what we have been taught during the crisis. These include a profound appreciation of such basic, but often unappreciated, life-guiding insights as:
- Life is fragile and we will die,
- Relationships matter,
- Simplicity can allow us to extract wonder and joy from “little” things,
- Silence and solitude can provide a setting for deeper understanding;
and
- A deep sense of faith in something, someone or a philosophy greater than we are can be a light in the darkness to help us find a sustaining psychology of meaning no matter what happens; it can be a refreshing reservoir we experience deep within
This pandemic is deeply upsetting or, at the very least, annoying, somewhat stressful and disturbing to our usual way of living. Still, it is also a unique opportunity, a rare opening, to see ourself and experience life more deeply. The question that remains though, is: Will we open our eyes and hearts to not only see this now, but even if we do discover life and who we are in ways that would not have been possible had the pandemic not occurred in the first place, will we allow ourselves to simply return to a new “normal” or embrace the new wisdom being gifted to us now when it is all over?
Dr. Robert J. Wicks is the author of THE TAO OF ORDINARINESS: Humility and Simplicity in a Narcissistic Age and PERSPECTIVE: The Calm within the Storm (both from Oxford University Press).
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CHANGE AND LOSS
Writer Kathleen Norris once said with respect to change: “Disconnecting from change doesn’t recapture the past, it loses the future.” As ancient Eastern philosophies also remind us: the only constant in life is change.
One of the most difficult aspects of change though is loss. It takes a great deal, and a much longer time, to adjust to change than was thought in the past. Also, the more significant the person or object lost, the greater the difficulty and longer it takes.
Change and loss require a sense of recognition of the impact, an ability to express one’s emotions about the loss, a need to alter one’s life accordingly, and finally an ability to put who or what was lost in a new place in one’s life.
I remember a woman once coming to me regarding what she thought was a prolonged grieving process. She told me that friends and neighbors told her she shouldn’t keep so many photos of her husband around the house but she had a hard time taking them down even though they kept telling her she must let go.
I asked her how long ago he had died. She replied that it has been about a year. In response, I smiled and said, “Oh, is that all? Was the relationship a good one?” I then asked. “Yes, it was wonderful.”
I then said, “That’s great. So many couples don’t have the relationship you have had. And, by the way, the answer is not in letting go of him. You probably won’t ever let go of him since he played such a significant and positive place in your life. Instead, when you feel ready, he will take a different place in your life.” At that point, I pointed to my chest and said, “He will always be with you in your heart but in a different way.”
When she came back the next week to see me, she had an impish smile on her face. I asked her about the expression and she said, “I took all the photos down except the one by my bedside.” In return, I asked, “Well, what led to that decision?”
“I realized that I didn’t ever need to let go of him. And so, I didn’t need his photo all over the house because he was always with me in here.” Pointing to her heart.
Pandemics often cause irreparable changes and very sadly, some significant losses. Over time, they will require for us to accommodate these realities. In doing this we don’t deny what was lost isn’t profound. We don’t quickly move on. Yet, on the other hand, we realize that to resist recognizing that a change has occurred is futile. It is like ruminating over something that has happened while waiting for the past to change. It is not going to happen.
Instead, hopefully, we will have the satisfaction of bringing good memories of the past into our hearts and appreciate what joy they brought us as we nod to ourselves in gratitude for the privilege of having such experiences. Then, when we can, we change our lives accordingly to make space as best we can for new experiences. There is no rush. There is no magical timeline. There is just the call to be in “the new now” in a way that honors the past and appreciates the present so we can be as open as possible to what the future might unfold.
This takes a recognition that life can never be called “fair”. If we constantly look for why something happened, we will never appreciate who and what are around us now that is good. Instead, the call is to look for “love” in the world as it shows itself in different, possibly radically new, ways. In doing this, we will be in the best position to see what is good and feel both comforted and encouraged to move on.
Television’s Mr. Rogers’ once said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” To this I would add, also look at the good within yourself and realize that you are part of this wonderful compassionate force in the world. This will remind you that you are not alone but part of an enduring great spirit that will always live on no matter what happens or how dark the skies may seem now.
Dr. Robert J. Wicks is the author of PERSPECTIVE: The Calm within the Storm and BOUNCE: Living a Resilient Life (both from Oxford University Press).
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5 SIMPLE STEPS ON PREVENTION OF EMOTIONAL ENERGY LOSS
During a stay at home order, one can begin to feel physically lethargic because of a lack of activity. However, there is also a danger of emotional energy loss that can be limited or prevented with some simple steps. This is important not only for yourself but for those who count on you: remember, THE SELF IS LIMITED and can be depleted so relishing your own life and being compassionate toward others may become almost impossible if you are not careful.
STEP ONE: While maintaining social distancing, it is important to take a walk or two each day if it is possible. Depression and activity do not like to live together. Also, remember to take a walk and don’t “take a think”. By this, I mean when walking, instead of reflecting on a past you would like to forget or are nostalgic about, or dreaming of the future (“When all of this will be over?), stay in the present and enjoy whatever you encounter instead of walking around in a “cognitive envelope.”
STEP TWO: Have low expectations and high hopes of those in your circle of family and friends. During stressful times, people say and do some crazy things. For instance, for some, the projection of blame onto those who believe or look differently than they do, are typical psychological defense mechanisms. And so, some people you know will use such blaming as a way to deal with uncertainty, fear and the fact that those they trusted (and possibly voted for in the last election) are failing them and they can’t admit that. Responding to such projections, rather than ignoring or blocking them, will only waste your valuable emotional energy. Prejudice is not reasoned into people and it won’t be reasoned out.
STEP THREE: Reasonable “media distancing” is also essential—not because they are necessarily distorting the truth but because the focus is often on the spectacular and the negative rather than being balanced. 5 minutes of the morning news keeps you updated; any more than that can be unnecessarily overwhelming.
STEP FOUR: Stay in touch with persons who are themselves balanced and don’t simply focus on the negative. Negative people psychologically contaminate the atmosphere so purposely seeking out such an environment makes no sense—especially, since you have enough of such people in your interpersonal network that you can’t avoid.
STEP FIVE: Recognize what the literature on POSTTRAUMATIC GROWTH can teach us. It encourages us, one the one hand, to be clear about the darkness we are facing so we are not guilty of the “sin” of spiritual or psychological romanticism. Running away, denying or minimizing trauma and stress doesn’t help. However, on the other hand, be open to seeing and experiencing the possibilities to become deeper as a person in ways that would not have been possible had the serious stress and disruption not happened in the first place. All of a sudden you may realize, as never before, the value of some quiet time with God, Facetiming with friends and family, or honoring the simple but essential joys in our brief time on this earth.
Dr. Robert J. Wicks is the author of: PERSPECTIVE: The Calm within the Storm (Oxford University Press) and HEARTSTORMING: Creating a Place God Can Call Home (Paulist Press)
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NECESSARY BUMP IN THE ROAD
When I was training to be a U.S. Marine Corps Officer, each day we ran the “hill trail”. It was fairly arduous and I still remember the leader having us sing as we jogged, “There ain’t no sense in looking down. There ain’t no gold bars (which you received if you made second lieutenant) on the ground.”
I quickly learned that just beyond half way most of us would get tired and start to become stragglers. This was bad because if you received too many “straggler chits,” as they were called, you ran the risk of being dropped out of the officer’s training program. And so, when we would reach just beyond half way, I taught myself to maintain my speed even though my thighs felt like someone was putting a knife in them and I felt I was running out of breath. The reward: no straggler chits.
In being in a modified quarantine, as we are now, we are approximately past half-way and people are being tempted to take chances, feel frustrated, are becoming grumpier, more anxious or glum because of being inactive or involved in different draining ways such as home schooling or different, abnormal eating and drinking patterns. (A friend told me that if this quarantine didn’t end soon, she was going to turn into a fat alcoholic.)
Yet, this is the very time when we need to be careful, look at what good things have arisen that never would have happened had this quarantine not been imposed, credit yourself for doing so well so far, and begin planning for the future when it will be over. It also is a chance to develop a healthy perspective about all we have that is so easy to lose when things are going well.
Those of us who have had the privilege to serve in the poor areas of this country or overseas know that much of what we complain about are “first world problems”. It is not that they are not, for the most part, annoying, painful, or discouraging and should be attended to. However, they are not the last word in life. In addition, if we don’t navigate this bump in the road well, we will:
- Fail to learn more about ourselves and life,
- Miss the chance to become more deeply grateful for the life we have,
- And, worst case scenario, run the risk of illness, death, and passing on the virus to others.
Here comes the bump! You can navigate it if you care enough. You really can and new rewards you never dreamed of are there for you if you do. Continuing being patient and go for it!
Dr. Robert J. Wicks is the author of THE TAO OF ORDINARINESS: Humility and Simplicity in a Narcissistic Age and PERSPECTIVE: The Calm within the Storm (both from Oxford University Press).
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THE TWO VIEWS…Both Are Real
“Look at the sky over there!” my wife said. And as I turned around, immediately I could see what she meant. The low hanging dark clouds were a total surprise. The other direction in which I had been looking the sky was as blue as could be. I never expected a storm. How could I? Everything I saw up to that point was fine.
Both views needed to be real for me. If I ignored the fact that the storm was coming soon, it would only result in me getting needlessly soaked. On the other hand, to forget that the way I was looking was also a reality would be to make a blue sky dark when it wasn’t. Both were real.
During trauma, stress, and a pandemic like we are going through now the same is true: things are tough and scary…but they are also filled with possibility if we have the eyes to see.
The problem is that people often find simultaneously entertaining both realities is too difficult for them. And so, they turn their backs on one part of the situation. They either want to see things as totally dark, or at least discomforting, and speak only about that, or they involve themselves in a sense of “spiritual romanticism” by sugar-coating things and pointing only to what are possible good outcomes of the pandemic for them.
A sign of psychological and spiritual maturity is the ability to hold the challenges we have in one hand and the possibilities in the other. By doing this we are able to honor what is truly dark or dim but not be captured by it. Instead, through the eyes of gratefulness, when we hold both together in our hearts and minds, we are in an excellent position to gain a different sense of clarity. This will increase our ability to spot what unexpected darkness may cognitively shift in us to our benefit in how we presently view our inner and outer worlds.
When this happens, although darkness can (and probably should) throw us off kilter in the moment (or longer!), it does allow us to view ourselves and the world in ways that would not have been possible before. The reason for this is that even though, before the darkness, we may have wanted to have a broader perspective on life it just wasn’t possible because our lives were drifting along and that is all we thought our life could hold and be.
Yet, by holding BOTH realities (darkness and hope) together when situations becomes tough or seemingly impossible, there can be so much more in life for us. In embracing the ENTIRE situation both realistically and hopefully, we can set the stage to become deeper, more appreciative, more helpful and more fulfilled by the new perspective that surfaces and is seen by us…simply because we were looking for it!
Dr. Robert J. Wicks is the author of THE TAO OF ORDINARINESS: Humility and Simplicity in a Narcissistic Age and PERSPECTIVE: The Calm within the Storm (both from Oxford University Press).
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